Tag: Advice Chat

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

Is it rude to turn down a Fourth of July barbecue because it’s going to be 1,000 degrees? Let a woman sit inside … I’ll cook faster than the chicken.

Rosa Cartagena, Arts & Entertainment reporter

My knee-jerk response: Say no, and don’t feel guilty.

But for a better read on the situation — what’s your relationship to the host? Is this a must-do annual gathering? Are these friends you haven’t seen in a long time? Either way, we’re experiencing an extreme heat advisory, and you need to take care of yourself, so maybe staying home is the best bet.

Mike Newall, Life & Culture reporter

Before we begin, let me tell you a few facts about myself — so you can fully understand my bias. I was born with transparent skin. Nickname was Casper. I also hate sweating. Not if I’m exercising or playing sports or working. But if I’m just sitting down — I don’t want to be sweating.

I also don’t drink anymore. Given all that, I don’t ever like to be at a barbecue unless it’s in chilly Maine or I’m cooking. Because then I’ll be working, at least.

And Rosa’s right. Look after number one when it comes to heat advisories!

Rosa Cartagena

Oof, yeah, I agree with Mike — the sweat situation won’t be cute for anyone. What’s so special about this particular cookout, aside from the holiday? If it’s not an important tradition for you and your loved ones, then pass on this one and find another (cooler) time to enjoy the food and outdoors without so much discomfort. But if you do feel pressure to show up, you could always stop by early for a quick hour to show face and then duck out.

For my part, I do love the sun, and I think day drinking is the only July Fourth activity that I properly enjoy, but especially if you’re someone who’s older, or possibly have health concerns, it’s not worth the risk for some hamburgers. Protect your body (and your peace).

Mike Newall

Show your face to the bathroom mirror when you’re all sunburned!!!

Look, barbecues are just occasions to do things that aren’t enjoyable in 100-degree heat: make small talk, make sure the kiddo doesn’t get hurt or hurt anyone else, drink constant water and soda to keep boredom and nerves at bay and keep having to ask to use the bathroom (because of all that water and soda).

Rosa Cartagena

Totally true. I’d only add that it might be worth calling the host to see if their plans have shifted given the impending inferno — if they’re making adjustments to bring the party indoors, it may be worth the heat of traveling there and back. If not, just think how much happier you’ll be at home, in your AC, watching the World Cup and fireworks from the comfort of your couch.

Mike Newall

Call this host and ask them what the heavens to Betsy they were thinking of in the first place! Inviting you to such an obviously dangerous party in the first place! This selfish Meatapalozza in the middle of inhuman temps!

An event you would have to prepare an item for, pick out an outfit for, think of witty remarks for — all in the middle of Dante’s return!

But look, I’m someone who talks a big game, then goes and has the time of my life. So it’s really jump ball!

Look one things for certain. You can have a blast at a barbecue. It can be the summer kickback your soul needed. But this weather ain’t no joke.

Rosa Cartagena

Of course, there’s something really special about being outside and partying this week because there are thousands upon thousands of tourists enjoying the city and bringing such amazing, positive energy that I’d encourage everyone to experience. So if you wind up thinking, I want to have a good time during this historic, momentous celebration, I’m on your side. It could be a game-day decision. The urge to party may outweigh the dreaded sweat.

For me, I’d probably need just a couple tequila shots to make me feel invincible to the heat. (Then lots of water after, I promise.)

Mike Newall

Yes, drink responsibility! Do what you want! Have fun! And if anyone at this party brings up the 250th, just talk longly and loudly about how it all happened here. In short, be you. Be Philly. Happy 250th!

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

I am in an HOA. We are all in one group chat and are friendly to one another. One of the women in our chat, who is very nice in person, uses the chat to complain, almost weekly.

She thinks the kids are too loud playing outside on a Saturday afternoon. She says one of us put our trash out 20 minutes before we’re technically allowed to. She says one of us closes our front door so hard that it shakes the whole building. She constantly asks for us to get her Amazon packages and if we say we’re not home she says, “ANYONE ELSE?” Yes, in caps.

So yeah, we don’t like her. We’ve tried! So there are some ideas floating around, the main one being: Do we mute that group chat and start a new one without her? Or do we just tell her what the deal is?

Kiki Aranita, Food & Dining Reporter

100% mute that chat and start a new one.

Elizabeth Wellington, Features Columnist

I agree with Kiki.

But, we are trying to be helpful here and it’s a horrible thing when someone ignores the group chat. Have you established any ground rules in the chat? If not, maybe it’s time?

Kiki Aranita

Yeah, was this a chat established for getting packages for one another?

Elizabeth Wellington

I think at the very least you send a message out that starts with “No complaining.”

My apartment complex had a similar group chat on WhatsApp. After a month, I opted out. I’d rather not be in the know then hear about all of these people’s incremental problems.

Kiki Aranita

I’m not in an HOA but I live on a block where I know my neighbors and we’re all super active in grabbing one another’s packages and super appreciative of one another.

That said, we don’t complain in our group chats. Complaints are for friend group chats, not neighbor group chats.

Elizabeth Wellington

There are ways to keep people informed and, in this world, we need to be informed.

So my suggestion in drawing up ground rules is: no complaining. Informing is not complaining.

Kiki Aranita

Create a mini version of a neighborhood Facebook group, which has established ground rules, and is actively monitored by admins.

By the way — that last question of “do we tell her what the deal is?” I would not do this.

Elizabeth Wellington

I might though. People need to know when they are getting on your last nerves.

Maybe she doesn’t know how annoying she is. Maybe telling her is the first step.

Kiki Aranita

I’m not scared of confrontation in general, but I think confrontation like this can make it difficult to live with someone in such close proximity.

Elizabeth Wellington

You don’t have to curse her out, just a gentle nudge… “Like, girl… some of your group chat messages have been off-putting. We try not to complain. We are solutions oriented.”

Kiki, should we come up with a list of ground rules to help these folks out?

Kiki Aranita

First, no shouting/all caps.

Elizabeth Wellington

No making fun of people. No cursing. No complaining about things, especially other people. No gossip.

Kiki Aranita

Establish a motto like “to support and inform.”

I also like the idea of multiple group chats for neighbors (because I have them). They’re like slack channels. One is just for packages. Another one of my friends also has multiple group chats. Unfortunately, one of them is “the rat chat” — it only deals with rats.

Elizabeth Wellington

It’s fine if neighbors want to splinter off to talk about other things like packages and other such things, but the HOA group chat should be accessible to everyone in the HOA and it should have guidelines and rules.

You may not like old girl, but she lives there too.

Just set ground rules going forward.

Kiki Aranita

With a positive motto.

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

My husband has recently decided to get really into soccer. Of course he has decided he wants to get really into soccer right when the World Cup is here and tickets start around $1,000. Like most people, we can’t really afford that. If he’d been a lifelong fan, maybe I could justify it, but come on. Do I support his new passion or do I draw the line?

Rosa Cartagena, Arts & Entertainment Reporter

Well, arguably there’s no better time to pick up a passion for soccer in Philadelphia than right now because we’re one of the chosen few cities hosting the international spectacle renowned for celebrating the world’s most beloved sport.

I totally understand feeling wary of trying to get into the fray when it’s so prohibitively expensive, but I’ll admit that I’m definitely the person who would say yes to this — I think major live events are (typically!) worth it for the unparalleled experience you’ll have, especially if you can do it together.

Abigail Covington, Life & Culture Reporter

Unfortunately, for the reader’s finances, I totally agree with you, Rosa. I’m one of those idiots who paid an ungodly amount for “Eras” tour tickets, and I don’t regret it one bit. I can look back at that once in a lifetime event and say (I’m so sorry for this): it was rare, I was there, I remember it, ALL TOO WELL.

But enough about T. Swift. This is about your predicament. I suggest getting the cheapest tickets you possibly can. So much of the fun with these events comes from just being there. It doesn’t matter where your seats are. Especially if your husband is a new fan. Set a price limit. Do not allow him to purchase merch. Merch is for serious fans only.

Rosa Cartagena

Yeah I’m not gonna disclose how much I paid to see Bad Bunny during his San Juan residency but … I have never regretted it!

The other thing I’d note is that this World Cup opportunity could be what cements him as a lifelong soccer fan. Ultimately, I’d always encourage folks to support their partner’s passions instead of trying to come up with ways to restrict them. Of course, if you really can’t swing it, there are still fun ways to feel the energy of the World Cup outside of the stadium, from watch parties at local bars or the outdoor Fan Fest.

Abigail Covington

For what it’s worth, I would qualify being able to swing it as “I can put this on a credit card and eventually pay it off.” Or, “I can dip into our rainy day savings and make it work.”

If you have to take out a second mortgage to afford the tickets or, like, sell a kidney, don’t do that. Keep all your organs and go to the bar instead.

In general though, I’m also in favor of supporting your partner’s passions, especially if, like Rosa said, you guys can do it together. Call me a romantic, but I think you’ll enjoy seeing him in the stadium, geeking out over his newfound fandom.

Rosa Cartagena

Ha, yes I agree with you, Abigail — to be clear we are definitely advocating for a responsible way to afford those tickets!

The only other element I’m curious about is more context around the husband’s history: Has he picked up and dropped expensive hobbies or passions before? Is this a sore spot in the relationship due to some previous impulsive financial decisions? Because then I’d sympathize with wanting to avoid a pricey bandwagon move only for him to lose interest soon after.

Abigail Covington

Yeah, like if your husband suddenly got really into hockey ahead of the Olympics earlier this year and is now the proud owner of a pair of ice skates he never uses maybe proceed with caution. But otherwise, go forth and splurge!

This week’s question (Have your own? Submit it here.):

Hi we decided to write this together so you have both sides fairly represented. We recently moved in together and it’s going great (young, gay, in love!), but we only have AC in the bedroom. One of us prefers the room wayyyy hotter than the other at night (80 degrees vs. 70 degrees). One of us argues that at 70 degrees, the other person can just wear sweatpants. The other one argues that at 80 degrees it’s not that hot, it saves money, and the other person can focus the fan on themselves. What do we do?

Earl Hopkins, Arts & Entertainment Reporter

As someone who naturally runs hot, especially during the summer months, anything above 76 degrees is an absolute no go. I never understood why some people like to bake under their covers, but our bodies all operate differently.

I think an easy compromise is to place the AC somewhere in the middle. Maybe around 75? That seems reasonable to me.

Stephanie Farr, Features Columnist

First, I love that they wrote this together. It shows they communicate well and are willing to face problems openly and honestly, which is a great foundation for any relationship.

Second, it’s often said that one of the things couples argue about most is money, but I’m of the firm belief ambient room temperature ranks pretty high up on that list, too. It’s something you may not even think about until you move in with someone and realize they are the Human Torch or Mr. Freeze.

In my house, I am Mr. Freeze, so I’m fully siding with the partner who has the totally reasonable request to keep the AC at 70. 80 is way too hot. Heck, thanks to the Human Torch I live with I’ve discovered even 75 is too hot at night for me to sleep with a blanket on — and I need a blanket to sleep.

What’s your opinion on putting on more clothes vs. using a fan?

Earl Hopkins

I think it’s way easier to add a layer of clothes than it is to have the sound of a fan buzzing in your ear all night. It’s OK when there’s a heatwave and broken AC. But beyond that, I recommend throwing on a pair of sweats, a long sleeve shirt, or a beanie.

Also, I’m no electrician or HVAC specialist, but are you really saving that much money? I don’t know. Stephanie, how do you feel about cuddling as an alternative to 80-degree temps? I think there’s a cheat code there.

Stephanie Farr

Oh I love the cuddling idea! It promotes intimacy and is a good argument against keeping it warm in the room. Nobody wants to cuddle someone when they’re all hot and sweaty.

And I’m with you on more clothes vs. fan. You can always put more clothes on when you’re cold or pile up the blankets (and cuddle!), but when it’s getting so hot in there you’ve already taken off all your clothes and you’re still sweating, what then? Are you supposed to sleep with ice packs because a fan alone will not cut it?

Do you think that only having one room with AC — aside from the whole house — should factor into the decision?

Earl Hopkins

I think so! If there’s only one room your partner can truly get cozy in, give them free rein. It’s like giving your loved one the last slice of pizza or chocolate cake. Of course you want it, but it’s a lovely gesture that doesn’t require much sacrifice. A little chill at night won’t hurt!

Stephanie Farr

Agreed! The AC room should be considered a human refrigerator in this home — an arctic oasis where the one who’s Mr. Freeze can escape and find solace. The Human Torch partner already has all the other rooms nice and toasty, so they can go to sleep in one of them if they don’t like the cold.

I wonder if the partner who wants it 80 degrees at night may not be from the U.S. In that case, this makes a bit more sense. We’re very spoiled here. I remember a great column last year by Adrian Schulz, a journalist from Berlin who did a fellowship with us at The Inquirer last summer. He expressed shock, confusion, and mild horror at our AC habits here, writing: “Am I in a restaurant or in the Siberian Tundra? Am I at an airport gate or in a cryogenic chamber? Am I on the Broad Street Line or the Polar Express?” Meanwhile, when I went to Germany in September 2024, I was shocked, confused, and mildly horrified by the lack of AC everywhere amid sweltering heat.

It’s what you’re used to, I guess, but living with a partner means getting used to new things. I think Earl has the best idea — a compromise at 75 — to start out (then slowly inch the temp down from there by dangling the possibility of more cuddles).

Earl Hopkins

More hugs and cuddles is good for the soul.

This week’s question is… My neighbor and I don’t get along. A tree from her yard is starting to brush up against my house. I know I’m allowed to trim it, but how do I go about doing it without starting another feud?

Elizabeth Wellington, Features Columnist

Start with asking her. Politely, of course.

Abigail Covington, Life & Culture Reporter

But what if she says you can’t? As a non-confrontational person, I would simply melt.

Elizabeth Wellington

I would melt, too. But she can’t tell me that I can’t. Right? Because it is on my property. If she says that I can’t, I guess it’s time to play hard ball. I’d have to break out the law that says, “I can.”

Abigail Covington

Evidently, under Pennsylvania law, you can trim any part of a neighbor’s tree or shrub that crosses your property line. But you must stay on your side of the property line and trimming must not kill the tree or bush, or you could be liable for damages.

Evan Weiss, Deputy Features Editor

So are you asking the neighbor or telling?

Elizabeth Wellington

I’d start by asking if they minded. And then I’d have to tell them what’s happening as nicely as I could, of course.

Abigail Covington

Would you ask them to trim it or would you offer to do it for them?

Elizabeth Wellington

So maybe we ask them if they can trim their tree back first. And if they say no, then perhaps we offer to do it for them?

Evan Weiss

And if they say they don’t want it either way, you just do it anyway, right?

Elizabeth Wellington

I guess so. But also I need to know how much this foliage is disrupting my life. Like, is it messing up my view? Is it ruining my swimming pool activity? Are me and my kids brushing up against it and it’s scratching me? Or is this just a run-of-the-mill aesthetic thing?

I would need to weigh these things and then figure or not whether it’s worth raising heck. Having an angry neighbor can ruin a homeowning experience. But if Pennsylvania law is on my side and this is really working my nerves, I’ll just have to snip, snip, snip.

Abigail Covington

I’m with you. Having an actively angry neighbor is more unpleasant than a tree branch dangling in your yard. At some point, the city will step in if it gets to be too much.

But if it’s really bothering you, the law is on your side.

Elizabeth Wellington

The question is, do we do the hacking in the middle of the night? Or boldly in broad open daylight?

Abigail Covington

Dressed in all black. Middle of the night. Like it never happened. Repeat after me: You were never there.

Elizabeth Wellington

Hahaha. You mean like, “Oops… How did this ever happen?”

Evan Weiss

“Wow, I can’t believe someone did that! I loved that tree!”

Elizabeth Wellington

Hahaha. Right.

That’s kind of taking a punk’s way out. We should say it with our chest. (Sheepishly…)

Abigail Covington

100%. “Must’ve been that darn barn owl I’ve seen flying around here!”

Elizabeth Wellington

An owl, Abigail? Really.

Go with a raccoon. Blame everything on raccoons.

Evan Weiss

Start by being straightforward.

“This tree is hitting my house and I don’t like it because of XYZ, so I’m going to trim it. Thank you for understanding.”

Abigail Covington

“Thank you for understanding” is what you say when you know someone is mad, but you don’t want them to be mad. I get it.

Elizabeth Wellington

Would bringing a tiny gift make things better? Like a bottle of wine, a gift card to Starbucks? Sweeten the deal. Let them know it’s not personal?

Abigail Covington

Tiny little treats make everything better. Something for their garden? A small plant?

Evan Weiss

A bouquet of freshly-cut branches.

Abigail Covington

Hahahaha.

“Thank you for understanding.”

Elizabeth Wellington

Now, Evan. You are cruising for a bruising.

Evan Weiss

I kid, I kid.

I don’t think a gift is necessary, but it wouldn’t hurt if that eases the asker’s anxiety.

Elizabeth Wellington

It’s kind of like you have to ask them, and already know what you plan to do anyway.

Evan Weiss

Any last words of advice for the asker?

Elizabeth Wellington

Be sheepish on the outside. But know what you are going to do on the inside. It’s easy to be swayed in these situations. Stand your ground. With a gift.

Abigail Covington

Be polite but bold. You got this.

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Have a question of your own about a relationship? Philly life? Annoying neighbors? Or an opinion? Email me.

I invited two Inquirer journalists to discuss the submitted question, which ended with some strong judgments.

Have a question of your own? Or an opinion? Email me.

Evan Weiss, Deputy Features Editor

This week’s question is a question and a story…

A friend and I were waiting for Regional Rail for Center City when the announcement came that the train was canceled. It being freezing weather, I asked other passengers what their transit apps were saying, and what their plans were. A man said he was planning to drive to Center City, and his car was parked in the lot. Before I could stop myself, I asked for a ride. His wife did not like the idea, giving a wide-eyed look, but the man agreed after hesitating.

The husband was very nice, as was the car, but the wife was irritated the whole way into the city — she never said hi or introduced herself and when we tried to include her in the conversation, she sat silent.

Was it weird for me to ask for a ride or was it weird for her to treat us like a nuisance?

Beatrice Forman, Food and Dining Reporter

I am having a lot of thoughts and most of them feel unkind so I’m going to let Stephanie take the lead on this one.

Stephanie Farr, Features Columnist

I think it’s highly unusual to ask for a ride from a stranger. From a young age we’re told not to get into cars with strangers or, once we get old enough, not to give strangers a ride. That being said, we all take Uber these days so the rules have changed a bit.

I think asking for a ride may have put the man in an awkward situation where he felt obligated to help you, but I think the bigger issue is you saw he had his wife with him and you did not ask her if it was OK too. You shouldn’t have just assumed the husband speaks for both of them. I would have been a bit offended too if I was her.

Beatrice Forman

Oh, you’re so much nicer than me.

Outside of the absolute stranger danger of it all (whose to say that man and his wife aren’t Bonnie and Clyde 2.0?), I think it’s absolutely bonkers to assume a stranger would give not just you, but a friend — double the imposition — a free ride when, as you pointed out, Ubers exist. The wife was probably stunned into silence by the gall of it all.

I’m all for the generosity of the human spirit and know that a village requires being a good villager, but a good villager knows when to read the room!

Stephanie Farr

Agreed, so our letter writer is the weirdo and the wife was totally in her right to treat them like a nuisance.

Beatrice Forman

Weirdo is such a strong word but yeah, total weirdo.

Stephanie Farr

They asked if it was weird!

A weirdo move, let’s say.

Beatrice Forman

My 2026 resolution was to be less of a hater and I do fear this question has set me back.

I do wonder what motivated the husband to say yes in this situation even though his wife seemed uncomfortable. Do either of you have any ideas?

Stephanie Farr

Some people have a hard time saying no, especially when they’re put on the spot in a moment of stress and see someone else in need.

Evan Weiss

In an ideal world, giving rides to people who need them sounds wonderful. It’s fair to say that safety is likely not something that presses on the husband’s mind as much as the wife’s. He may have just been trying to be kind without being empathetic.

Beatrice Forman

That’s fair! He seems like a nice guy and very generous. I guess he deserves, like, 10 “good person” points for the gesture. He does lose two though for not considering his wife in the moment.

Evan Weiss

More than 2!

Beatrice Forman

How many points are you docking, Evan?

Evan Weiss

I honestly can’t imagine not considering how my wife would feel in the moment. Or, worse, knowing how she felt and going through with it anyway (which is how it sounds like it went down). Minus 8?

It’s a good deed, but you’re not the only person doing it.

In this scenario, I actually think it’s the husband who’s most at fault.

Beatrice Forman

Ooooof you run a tight program, Evan.

Stephanie Farr

Nobody thought about the wife in this situation and that may be what ticks me off most of all.

Everybody is at fault but the wife.

Beatrice Forman

Mayhaps this man is the true weirdo, not our question asker.

I really do feel for the wife, and I don’t like that she comes off as rude and entitled in the scenario when in reality, everyone else was entitled. I also don’t think the couple owed the question asker more than the hospitality of the ride itself, if that makes sense? The wife didn’t say yes to this, so why is she required to make polite chit chat?

Stephanie Farr

Agreed — but I don’t think the couple owed the question asker anything, not even the hospitality itself.

One thing is for sure, this person and their friend better have offered the couple a few bucks at the very least for the ride.

Evan Weiss

The core of the question is an interesting one: When, if ever, is it OK to ask for a ride?

Stephanie Farr

When you know the person. Dead stop.

But even then there are rules.

Beatrice Forman

Only in an absolute and total emergency situation, like the apocalypse.

Stephanie Farr

Or right after an Eagles Super Bowl win in Center City, when if you don’t get out, you’re gonna stay in till the next morning.

Beatrice Forman

That constitutes an apocalypse-adjacent situation. We do sometimes light things on fire when we’re happy here.

Stephanie Farr

Very true. It’s part of our charm.

Evan Weiss

Any last words?

Beatrice Forman

Always, always think about your partner.

Stephanie Farr

And if someone has a partner, consider them a team when you ask something.

Also, don’t ask for rides from strangers. In Philly, if someone wants to give you a ride out of the kindness of their heart they’ll ask if you want one with an annoyed sigh.