Tag: Advice Chat

  • What’s the etiquette when someone is blasting music on the El with no headphones?

    What’s the etiquette when someone is blasting music on the El with no headphones?

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    What’s the etiquette when someone is blasting music on the El with no headphones?

    Speak up or suffer?

    Illustration by Steve Madden
    Illustration by Steve Madden

    This week I have invited two reporters to help answer one of the many SEPTA questions we hear.

    Have your own thoughts or other questions? Fill in the box at the end!

    .inno-chat__body {
    border-radius: 12px;
    }

    Evan Weiss
    Deputy Features Editor

    Before we get to the question at hand, can you both describe your backgrounds with taking SEPTA?

    Beatrice Forman
    Food & Dining Reporter

    I've been carless since I moved to Philly seven years ago, and take SEPTA pretty much everywhere unless I'm with my boyfriend, who drives. Then I'm a passenger princess.

    Henry Savage
    Now Reporter

    I ride SEPTA bus and subway every week to The Inquirer offices, plus when I’m going out at night. Cheap, and fairly quick travel!

    Beatrice Forman
    Food & Dining Reporter

    “Fairly quick” is doing a lot of heavy lifting.

    Henry Savage

    You're not wrong lol.

    Evan Weiss

    Okay, the question is… What’s the etiquette when someone is blasting music on the El with no headphones — speak up or suffer?

    Beatrice Forman

    I think it's one of those things where it's well within your rights to speak up about someone blasting music on the El (especially in the morning), but do you really want to be known as the curmudgeon who chastised someone over something like this? I'd be so afraid of getting sniped and posted on TikTok.

    Beatrice Forman

    Have you ever spoken up about this IRL?

    Henry Savage

    I’ve seen full-blown phone calls on speaker and people smoking out of glass instruments, but to be honest with you, I haven't said anything.

    Henry Savage

    What's your go-to solution when this happens to you? I'm partial to blasting my headphones.

    Beatrice Forman

    I wish I was the type of person who could just turn my AirPods up full volume to drown it out, but I am also a 5-foot-tall woman alone on public transit, so the head has to stay on a swivel. Also, sometimes those things die!

    Beatrice Forman

    I was recently on the BSL home from an assignment in South Philly around the time classes let out, and this kid was blasting Kendrick Lamar loud enough for all the train car to hear, so I ended up politely offering him a pair of corded earbuds to use to see if he'd take the hint.

    Henry Savage

    Nice work!

    Beatrice Forman

    He did not take the hint, but I was proud of myself for trying.

    Beatrice Forman

    Do you think there's a right way to nudge a person to, perhaps, not smoke on the train? Or blast their playlist?

    Henry Savage

    I think going the solutions-oriented approach of, "Hey, looks like you could use some headphones?" is a good call.

    Henry Savage

    In reality, what's the right way? Probably being as polite as possible while knowing the person will likely rebuff you. That being said, sometimes all it takes is for one person to call someone out!

    Henry Savage

    Or should we just invoke "Think of the children and older riders!" Smoking in front of children is the worst look.

    Evan Weiss

    Smoking is really the most annoying. I've been on the train with my daughter and we just had to move cars — not worth the possible contention with her there.

    Henry Savage

    Yeah, if things go dicey with your kid there… good call.

    Beatrice Forman

    I do think sometimes a very pointed and pissed off "Can you not? There's people around" would probably be soooo cathartic though, and would get the point across. Especially for smoking. No one likes that but the smoker.

    Henry Savage

    The moments you think about an hour afterward and say, "Dang! I wish I said that back there!"

    Beatrice Forman

    I think it's tough because so much of the issues with these things on SEPTA can be brushed off as just the side effects of living in a city and can feel kind of elitist to complain about, but also, counterpoint: none of this should be happening enough to warrant an Inquirer column.

    Evan Weiss

    True! FWIW I do think it's far better on the bus than the train — probably because you have the driver upfront to tell people off.

    Henry Savage

    Yes, I will say that taking the bus there's more enforcement in my opinion. Some SEPTA bus drivers are known to pull the bus over and not leave until the issue is resolved, like smoking, fare evasion, or loud speakers!

    Beatrice Forman

    I've also seen this happen on the bus, Evan. Mostly music though, not the smoking.

    Evan Weiss

    Bea, I'm still impressed you said something! I don't think I've ever seen that happen

    Henry Savage

    Yeah, that's a true Philly move.

    Beatrice Forman

    It was like exposure therapy for my anxiety.

    Beatrice Forman

    I will probably never do it again though. Not the hero we quite need.

    Henry Savage

    In a perfect world? Every single smoker and to a lesser extent music blaster would be confronted, and realistically fined or reprimanded for the behavior. In this economy? I’m keeping it moving and cranking my music.

    Henry Savage

    If my headphones die, I suffer in — well, not silence — but the blaring sounds of AI voice over TikTok slop videos.

    Evan Weiss

    Any last words, Bea?

    Beatrice Forman

    Be the change you wish to see in the world and don't smoke or make me listen to your bad taste in TikToks on SEPTA.

    This conversation has been edited for length.

    What other Very Philly Questions should we address?

    Or any thoughts on the question at hand?

    story continues after advertisement

    Topics mentioned in this story

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  • My neighbor’s rowhome Christmas lights shine directly into my bedroom. What should I do?

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    My neighbor’s rowhome Christmas lights shine directly into my bedroom. What should I do?

    When the neighborglow is too bright.

    christmas lights

    This week I have asked two reporters to help answer a holiday question — is the asker reasonable or a Grinch?

    Have your own thoughts or other questions? Fill in the box at the end!

    .inno-chat__body {
    border-radius: 12px;
    }

    Evan Weiss
    Deputy Features Editor

    The question is… My neighbor's rowhome Christmas lights shine directly into my bedroom. What should I do?

    Jason Nark
    Life & Culture Reporter

    My first instinct, perhaps because it's Christmas, is to let it pass, to take one for the season.

    Zoe Greenberg
    Life & Culture Reporter

    I say close the curtains? Put on your eye mask. It's the holidays.

    Jason Nark

    But, I do have strong feelings about light.

    Jason Nark

    Light pollution, for one. The new, pervasive, blinding white lights make the world look like a dental office. The amount of lights on in urban office/tall buildings at night, which contributes to bird deaths. I'm a light weirdo.

    Zoe Greenberg

    I'm also anti-bird death!!!

    Zoe Greenberg

    I will say that my partner is always trying to have the indoor lights match the outside night sky, which means that in the winter he wants it very dark inside our home. And I long for light.

    Evan Weiss

    So your lights are off around 4:30??

    Zoe Greenberg

    If he could choose, that's what would happen.

    Jason Nark

    My hometown recently installed new streetlamps that are too tall and far too bright. If I lived closer to one, and they didn't do anything about it, there might be sabotage.

    Zoe Greenberg

    The neighbor's lights are not going to last too long.

    Zoe Greenberg

    Should we be worried about your sabotaging your neighbor's beautiful Christmas lights?

    Jason Nark

    No, I give Christmas lights a pass because they're usually less intrusive and dimmer, and temporary.

    Jason Nark

    I will say that it's smart to invest in timers.

    Evan Weiss

    I think unless you really can't sleep, you have to deal with it.

    Evan Weiss

    Part of living in a city is accommodating your community. If you want no light, no noise, there are plenty of parts of Pennsylvania where the bears will welcome you.

    Zoe Greenberg

    Very true. Or rocks in the ocean.

    Evan Weiss

    You're exiling the neighbor to the sea?

    Zoe Greenberg

    I just mean if they don't want any lights! In the darkest season when light brings happiness and joy!!

    Jason Nark

    I wouldn't want my neighbor to have one of those Christmas "shows." I think that would be too much. Someone in Milford, Pa. was charged for cutting Christmas lights a few years back. She thought they were too much.

    Evan Weiss

    Any last advice for the question asker?

    Zoe Greenberg

    Maybe bake the neighbor some cookies and wish them a happy holidays.

    Jason Nark

    Or get blackout curtains.

    This conversation has been edited for length.

    What other Very Philly Questions should we address?

    Or any thoughts on the question at hand?

    story continues after advertisement

    Topics mentioned in this story

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  • My sister brought her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving and asked if we like him. Should I tell the truth?

    My sister brought her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving and asked if we like him. Should I tell the truth?

    The holiday is over but that doesn’t mean the drama has ended. I’ve pulled in two Inquirer Features staffers to help answer the familial conundrum.

    Evan Weiss, Deputy Features Editor: Okay, the question is…

    My sister brought her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving and asked if we like him. Should I tell the truth? (Which is no.)

    Stephanie Farr, Staff Columnist: I think honesty is always the way to go, but when it comes to your loved one’s partners, you must tread carefully.

    I definitely think you shouldn’t say no flat-out, but you could turn it around and ask questions of her: How do you feel he did? What do you like about him? What did he think of us?

    Jason Nark, Life & Culture Reporter: This is a tough one because I’ve learned, after the fact, what people thought of partners. It would have been helpful to know their opinions ahead of time.

    Stephanie Farr: I definitely brought a stinker of a boyfriend to Thanksgiving once, and while I didn’t ask what my father’s opinion of him was, I didn’t have to. My dad didn’t say anything about the dude and I didn’t ask because I knew and he knew and he knew I knew. If he liked him, he would have said it, there would be no need to ask.

    Jason Nark: My mom has said “Would it have mattered?” It probably wouldn’t have. lol

    Stephanie Farr: And I think that’s exactly the point! When you’re in a relationship with someone that you don’t want to leave — for whatever reason, good or bad — very little anyone says is going to change your mind. And if it’s your family, well then you start to think they just don’t want your happiness or understand you.

    Jason Nark: I feel like there needs to be a devil’s advocate in life situations, the one relative who will get you the straight story. I would like to be that person but it’s hard.

    Stephanie Farr: DRUNK UNCLE FTW!

    Jason Nark: Yes, I’ll be the drunk uncle.

    Stephanie Farr: Haha! I got one, he’s great.

    Jason Nark: Then again, I would never want to be “I told you so” kind of person.

    I think, if my theoretical sister was looking for a life partner and was very serious, I would express my concerns if I saw red flags. What if the guy rooted for the Cowboys?

    But if it’s less serious, I’d probably hold back.

    Evan Weiss: You really don’t want to be in the situation where you disparage the person so heavily and then they end up marrying them and it’s awkward forever.

    Stephanie Farr: I think if you’re genuinely concerned about your sister’s partner, maybe pointing out specifics instead of disparaging the entire person is the way to go. For example: “I didn’t like that Brad didn’t say ‘Thank you’ to you for clearing his plate. Is he usually better about such things?” or “I noticed Brad spent the entire trip home watching football instead of hanging with the family. Was it us or is that how he usually is?”

    Sow the seeds of doubt, if warranted, but don’t pull out the entire weed because you don’t know how far his roots have grown.

    Jason Nark: Mostly, I’d want to see how he treats her in little moments. Does he ask her if she needs something? Does he laugh at her jokes? Is he family-oriented and not a curmudgeon?

    We’re reporters after all, we’re great observers.

    Evan Weiss: I think a big question for Thanksgiving specifically: Does he help out?

    If he isn’t cooking… does he clean?

    Stephanie Farr: 110%. I think that’s a big question when considering a life partner overall too, but if you want to impress someone’s family, offer to do chores! I can’t cook, but I wash all the dishes at my in-laws’ holiday gatherings (Bonus: It also gives me alone time. Shhhh!)

    Jason Nark: I guess my takeaway is this: If you express your concerns, do it gently, with grace, knowing your opinion could be ignored.

    Stephanie Farr: Yes, do it sneakily!

    Evan Weiss: And don’t get mad if things don’t go your way.

    Stephanie Farr: For sure, you have to be prepared to be the bad guy if you want to be brutally honest.

  • Is it rude to bring a store-bought Thanksgiving dish when everyone else is cooking from scratch?

    Is it rude to bring a store-bought Thanksgiving dish when everyone else is cooking from scratch?

    It’s almost Thanksgiving and maybe you’re not the cooking type. Or maybe you just have too much on your … plate. I invited two Inquirer journalists to answer the age-old holiday conundrum. We do get to the bottom of it.

    Evan Weiss, deputy features editor: OK, the question is …

    Is it rude to bring a store-bought Thanksgiving dish when everyone else is cooking from scratch?

    Margaret Eby, food editor: I feel very strongly about this! The answer is no, of course not! Unless you said you were bringing a homemade casserole and show up with a bag of half-eaten Doritos or something, it’s not rude.

    Sam Ruland, features planning and coverage editor: I think it comes down to how much you like these people.

    Margaret Eby: Oooh OK so homemade is only for people you like? Or vice versa?

    Sam Ruland: If they’re the relatives you adore, put in the effort. Make something, even if it’s simple.

    If they’re the relatives who fight over politics and ask why you’re still single? Pay $12.99 for a pie, pop it on a plate, and walk in confidently.

    Margaret Eby: Hahahah that’s a spicy take. To me, I appreciate someone bringing something. I love cooking! But I don’t always have the energy.

    I also have a weird problem, which is that people don’t like cooking for food editors and writers. I think they assume I’ll judge them in the same way we review restaurants, and that’s not true at all. I find it to be a huge compliment whenever anyone cooks me anything, down to a grilled cheese.

    But maybe that’s part of why I feel like it’s fine to let yourself and other people off the hook. Plus, restaurants and bakers and other professionals are great at cooking! It’s fine to let them cook for you!

    Sam Ruland: I totally get that — cooking for food people does feel like a high-stakes audition.

    Margaret Eby: That’s just because you can’t see us behind the screen eating string cheese for lunch.

    Sam Ruland: And this is where my chaotic Thanksgiving philosophy kicks in: I’m a huge fan of buying something and quietly placing it in your own dish like you spent hours on it. If it saves your sanity, do it.

    Margaret Eby: I support that entirely.

    It is not anyone’s business who made those potatoes.

    Evan Weiss: OK, what’s the best thing to buy and pass off as your own?

    Margaret Eby: A whole pizza.

    No, just kidding. But bringing a whole pizza to a party — it’s kind of a baller move.

    Bring a Johnny’s Pizza from Bryn Mawr?

    Sam Ruland: Honestly, I’m more offended not by someone buying it from the store, but by not even trying to hide it. At least commit to the bit! Put it in a real dish!

    Margaret Eby: I think if you’re attempting to pass it off as your own, you do have to be a little realistic. Like that beautifully crafted hand-latticed pie is a great thing to bring. But if you don’t bake pie, your cover is going to be blown pretty quickly.

    The homemade thing people are always impressed by no matter how “rustic” it looks is bread, I’ve found. I’ll bring over a really complicated dish and bread as an appetizer, and people are always more impressed by the bread

    Sam Ruland: Right, the pie lie has limits. This is why I fully endorse buying something like lobster mac and cheese, putting it in your casserole dish, and sighing deeply like it took you hours. Play to your strengths: commitment and presentation.

    Margaret Eby: Feigning struggle is an important part of Thanksgiving!

    Sam Ruland: The sigh, the smudge of flour on your shirt that you did not earn — it’s all part of the illusion.

    Evan Weiss: Also, so many great restaurants around here do great Thanksgiving takeout. You might get some cred if you say where you got it. (Also, bonus because then you don’t have to lie.)

    Sam Ruland: That’s true, restaurant flexing is its own kind of prestige. But I maintain: the quiet dignity of transferring it to your own dish and pretending you suffered for it? Iconic.

    Margaret Eby: I think if you put the thought into picking up a fabulous pie from The Bread Room or a whole bundle of goodies from Zig Zag, for example, people will be just as impressed by that effort as if you made it your own.

    Or I would be, anyway.

    The Bread Room by High Street Hospitality’s line up of Thanksgiving treats, clockwise from right to left: miso caramel apple pie, dirty chai chocolate pie, and basque pumpkin cheesecake.

    Sam Ruland: True! Like my family loves the cannolis from Isgros, so that’s something that would be a crowd pleaser no matter what and wouldn’t get grumbles.

    Margaret Eby: Picking up cheese from DiBruno’s is also a great move. And you don’t have to pretend that you have a secret cheese cave in your basement.

    However, I believe that the holidays are all about long-running bits with your friends and family. And passing off a dish as your own instead of purchased is a classic bit.

    So maybe DO pretend you made the cheese, why not.

    Evan Weiss: “Yes, I made this wine in Sonoma in 2013!”

    Margaret Eby: “It was a great year, thanks!”

    Evan Weiss: So the answer is: No, it’s not rude to bring prepared food. But either commit to the bit or get it from somewhere good.

    Margaret Eby: Yep, we solved it.

    And don’t be like my friend in college who would bring a ziplock bag of whiskey to parties.

    No one appreciates that.


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