Category: Life

DEAR ABBY: I am 57 and have never been married. I have had many relationships (some good, some bad). Although in the past I experienced heartbreaks, I am now open to meeting someone new.

I recently ended a relationship with “Bill,” a man I met at a resort casino three years ago. I was happy in the beginning, until things started to take a turn.

Because we go to the same places all the time, it was hard to break it off. I tried, but Bill would run back to me, and I always took him back, mostly because I felt guilty for hurting him. I finally ended things for good four months ago, after he did something very rude. A neighbor later told me that Bill was stalking me. Bill denies this, even though I have proof.

Abby, I am writing because, for some reason, I’m still drawn to him. He’s the only man in my life who ever told me he loves me. I’m afraid no one will ever love me the way he does. I know the stalking is a sign that he is mentally unwell, yet we keep bumping into each other, which has caused this pull to want to be with him.

I can’t afford therapy right now, so any advice you can give me to move beyond this “pull” I have for him would be appreciated.

— HEART RULING THE HEAD

DEAR HEART: Honey, if you no longer frequent the places you used to frequent together and keep running into him anyway, has it occurred to you that it’s happening BECAUSE HE’S STILL STALKING YOU? If you’re still going to the same places, it’s time to change your routine. This troubled individual may be the only person who has said “I love you,” but he won’t be the last if you open yourself to other relationships.

You say you can’t afford therapy, but please be aware that free or low-cost counseling is available from your county’s department of mental health services or a local college or university with a psychology department.

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DEAR ABBY: I’ve been talking to a famous pro wrestler who is having marriage problems. He has been hitting on me through Google Chat. I just want to be a supportive friend whom he can vent to. He says his wife “is getting too old for him,” if you know what I mean. They have a joint bank account, but he says it’s frozen. He has asked me for an Apple card. I told him no and to ask his extended family instead.

Abby, I need my money to help out my brothers and sister. I’d prefer he be like a friend or big brother to me. I need major advice, please, because it feels like my life is going out of control.

— UNCERTAIN IN IDAHO

DEAR UNCERTAIN: People must exercise caution when communicating with strangers online. “Famous pro wrestlers” usually have enough money that they aren’t reduced to hitting up women they meet on the internet for Apple cards. Your life will not “go out of control” unless you allow it to. Regain control by ghosting and blocking this person. He’s a scammer, and he, not you, should figure out his own financial problems.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I (both male) have been together for 28 years. The last few years have been less than romantic, but we remain close and in love (or so I thought).

A few days ago, he called me from work (I’m retired) crying so hard I could hardly understand him. I rushed to his office, and he told me he had just learned from his doctor that he has AIDS. He then confessed that he’d had an affair with a contractor at his place of employment. He said it happened years ago when we were going through a rough patch, and swore it was the only time he had strayed. I am awaiting the results of my HIV test, heartbroken and crushed. What now? I’m so hurt; I don’t know if I should stay or go.

— CRUSHED IN FLORIDA

DEAR CRUSHED: Your first order of business should be to ensure you and your husband are getting the best medical advice and treatment possible. A diagnosis of HIV-positive does not necessarily mean the disease will progress to full-blown AIDS because with the advances in medication, it can be held in check. Whether you should stay with your husband or leave is a question that should be tabled until you are less traumatized and thinking rationally.

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DEAR ABBY: Two of my children are planning weddings two months apart next year. I’m originally from the Netherlands, where my entire family still lives. My kids both want to invite these relatives (which is great), except my parents are 86 and 87 and can make it to only one wedding. For my sisters, nieces and nephews, it’s too costly to come to both. They don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, and I have no idea how to advise them about which wedding to attend. My son said he will help them financially if they need it so they can come to both, but even so, I know it would not be possible for my parents to come to both. Any advice?

— CHALLENGED IN IDAHO

DEAR CHALLENGED: I do have one suggestion: STEP BACK! It should not be your responsibility to orchestrate who will attend which wedding. Invitations should be sent to everyone. After that, I’m sure conversations will ensue. If financial help is needed, your son is offering it. Should your parents’ degree of infirmity prevent them from attending both celebrations, the decision about which they will attend should be theirs. Even if they can’t be there in person for both, these days many weddings are livestreamed, and photos and videos can be shared on social media.

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TO MY ASIAN READERS WHO CELEBRATE THE LUNAR NEW YEAR: The Lunar New Year begins today. This is the Year of the Horse. According to Asian culture, individuals born in the year of the horse are dynamic, charming and adventurous. They thrive in settings that are bustling with activity and are often seen as natural leaders and motivators. A healthy, happy and prosperous New Year to you all. Tallyho!

— LOVE, ABBY

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DEAR ABBY: I work in a place where being friendly to customers is part of my job requirement, but I feel like many guys interpret this the wrong way. It seems I am a “jerk attractor,” and I don’t know how to make it stop. The worst of these jerks can’t take a hint that I’m not interested. One of them is a coworker who sexually harasses me all day. Please help me so I stop attracting these losers.

— FRIENDLY IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR FRIENDLY: While this is certainly not your fault in any way, many women in the hospitality industry wear a wedding ring to discourage the kind of unwelcome attention you have described. However, a coworker doing this is a different story. There are workplace rules to protect women and men, and they should be listed in your employee handbook.

Start documenting what this person has been doing and warn the other female employees. The next time it happens, inform him that the name for what he’s doing is harassment, it’s unwelcome and you will report it to your boss. If that doesn’t discourage him, follow through, because it could cost him his job.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a longtime friend with whom I had a wonderful relationship. Over the last couple of years, he has made some bad life decisions. He is now without a job, without a girlfriend and in an apartment that’s less than desirable. For a long time, I kept my opinions to myself. But, finally, I started offering advice with the hope he’d see that his decisions are causing him grief and hardship. I always do it with love, but he becomes very upset when I try to help him. Am I wrong for trying to guide a dear friend toward a better path?

— IN A DILEMMA IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DILEMMA: Your friend may not be ready to listen to someone telling him he has chosen the wrong path. Because the guidance you have so generously offered has fallen on deaf ears, recognize you are wasting your time and turn off your fountain of wisdom.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are seniors. We got married in 2020. When we were dating, things were fun and good. Now, however, I’m in a no-talk, no-response nightmare. After the first two years, he changed. He never starts conversations and never says “thank you” for anything. He simply doesn’t talk. If I ask questions, he won’t respond or acknowledge me in any way. If someone calls, he talks and talks with them. Does he hate me? I speak my mind and voice my disappointment. Should I still try to fix it or get out?

— STUCK IN SILENCE

DEAR STUCK: You can’t fix something that may not be your fault. However, before calling it quits, you can offer your husband the opportunity to get your marriage back on track with the help of a licensed marriage and family therapist. Schedule an appointment with one, and if your husband refuses to go with you, go alone.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating “Rita” for four months. We peck on the lips, hug and hold hands, but we have had only one real kiss so far. Rita was first married for 22 years to an emotionally abusive man and then remarried to a manipulative one. She said we were going too fast and she wanted to slow down. I understood and have exerted no pressure on her.

Rita has canceled dates for various reasons and gone silent for a day here and there. She says she’s not talking to anyone else, and neither am I. I have told her she is worth the wait. I have fallen hard for her and have serious intentions about her.

Rita says she has strong feelings for me and that I treat her better than any man she has ever been involved with, but she doesn’t know how to handle the feelings. How long should I give her to figure out what she wants this relationship to be?

I’m not worried about sex or anything like that, but four months without even calling us “dating” or “girlfriend and boyfriend” has me worried that I am, for a lack of a better description, wasting my time with her. What would you advise me to do?

— TAKING IT SLOW IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TAKING IT SLOW: Continue allowing your relationship with Rita to develop slowly. The woman has had two unsuccessful marriages, so it’s no wonder she’s slow to commit. If, after a year (eight months from now), Rita still feels uncomfortable calling you “boyfriend” or “companion,” revisit the conversation and decide then if you have invested enough time.

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DEAR ABBY: After reading so many horrible letters sent to you from people about their mothers-in-law, I feel compelled to write to you about mine. I met her 43 years ago when I was dating her oldest son (now my husband). From the moment we met, she treated me with caring, acceptance and love. She and my father-in-law raised five amazing children, and they treated their children’s spouses as if we were their own. She devoted her entire life to caring for and nurturing her husband, children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

Unfortunately, we just lost this beautiful woman at the age of 89 to a long and difficult battle with Parkinson’s and dementia. We watched her “sparkle” slowly fade away, but we will carry her amazing legacy with us always. I hope I can be half the MIL to my children’s spouses that she was to me.

I also hope that all those who aren’t as lucky as I was can find some common ground with their mothers-in-law — especially if there are children involved. I LOVE YOU, MOM!

— FORTUNATE IN NEW YORK

DEAR FORTUNATE: Thank you for sharing this beautiful tribute to a woman who made such a positive difference in the lives of those she touched. Not only were you fortunate to be a member of such a warm and loving family, but she was also lucky to have a daughter-in-law like you.