Q: I’ve been married for only two years, and I’m already wondering if I made a bad decision. When we were dating, my husband was incredibly charming and thoughtful, and in many ways, much more sensitive and dialed in than most of the men I had dated. And since my track record hasn’t been great, I dated him for at least a year before getting engaged so I had time to really get to know him. Or so I thought, because the warm and charming man he once was started going away almost as soon as our wedding was over. And far from being the considerate person who charmed me, he’s incredibly self-centered, moody and angry most of the time. When the topic is on him, it’s all good; but as soon as I want to talk about what’s going on in my life, he gets bored, annoyed, or downright mean. Did I marry a narcissist?
A: It’s not uncommon for people to wonder whether a partner’s self-centeredness, emotional volatility, or lack of empathy points to narcissism. The term gets thrown around so often that it can lose meaning — but for those who live with a truly narcissistic partner, the experience is anything but trivial.
Recent research shows that while full narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is relatively rare, its impact on intimate relationships can be profound. People with NPD share a cluster of traits centered on grandiosity (believing they’re superior or above the rules), entitlement, and impaired empathy, expressed through an exaggerated need for admiration, a fragile and easily threatened sense of self, and a tendency to exploit or dismiss others’ needs. They often oscillate between inflated self-importance and deep insecurity, react poorly to criticism, and rely on defenses such as blame-shifting, minimization, or rage to protect a vulnerable self-image.
Studies of couples in which one partner has elevated narcissistic traits or NPD have found patterns of low empathy, high conflict, and poor responsiveness to a partner’s needs, often driven by the narcissistic partner’s fragile self-esteem and heightened sensitivity to criticism.
This means that the distress you feel is not imagined — NPD reliably predicts greater marital dissatisfaction, more emotional volatility, and higher rates of separation.
Researchers today also distinguish between grandiose and vulnerable narcissism. Grandiose narcissists tend to be dominant, entitled, and attention seeking. They’re also more likely to be difficult in romantic relationships, less empathic, and more prone to infidelity.
Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, tend more toward hypersensitivity and fears of being shamed. Like grandiose narcissists, vulnerable narcissists crave validation, but withdraw or attack when criticized. Both forms undermine romantic relationships, but in different ways: one through arrogance, the other through insecurity.
However, whether he is narcissistic doesn’t necessarily mean that you should leave him. Research suggests that narcissistic traits can soften over time, particularly when life experiences challenge the person’s grandiosity.
Therapy can also help partners by getting them to focus less on “fixing” the narcissist and more on clarifying boundaries, recognizing manipulation, and reclaiming one’s own sense of reality.
Psychotherapy can also help if he is motivated, but genuine change requires confronting shame, entitlement, and fear of dependency — tasks many with NPD tend to resist.
It may not be just narcissism
In addition to narcissism, there are other potential diagnoses and dynamics that could be operating. Perhaps your husband is depressed. Research shows that men often externalize depression through irritability, defensiveness, or emotional shutdown rather than sadness. This occurs in part because of cultural expectations that discourage vulnerability in men. What can look like indifference or hostility may, in some cases, be a form of masked distress — an effort to manage feelings that are too threatening to acknowledge directly.
On the other hand, he may have issues with drugs or alcohol, which can also lead to moodiness, self-centered behavior and, in the case of stimulants, grandiosity.
Perhaps he has intense fears of losing you and that causes him to defend against how weak or vulnerable it makes him feel. Instead, he diminishes your value so you’re not as important in his heart or mind.
None of these make him easy to live with, but they all suggest a different response from you or a different treatment strategy if he or you were to enter therapy.
The pull of the familiar
Since you said that your track record with choosing men isn’t great, it may be useful to do some reflection or therapy around why you’re drawn to certain types. Sometimes we have blind spots in who we’re attracted to because they have much in common with parental figures who made us feel unloved or unseen. Familiarity can be a serious attractor because of the kind of predictability it seems to offer.
In addition, someone who appears to “have it all” may promise to heal all the broken or wounded places inside us and blind us to the reality that they’re a little too good to be true.
We don’t fall for people at random — we choose those who make us feel like ourselves. The trouble is, if our self-view isn’t great, we’re vulnerable to choosing partners, even friends, who bruise us in familiar ways. Psychologists call this self-verification: the drive to confirm what we already believe about ourselves, however irrational or negative that self-image.
Whatever the diagnosis, you’ll need additional support to navigate what you’re facing. A good couples therapist can be particularly helpful because they can assess what’s driving his behavior and identify whether referrals to other therapists or agencies are warranted.
Meanwhile, regardless of the diagnosis, your needs for empathy, care, and reflection are just as important as his. If he does carry the diagnosis of NPD, the following principles can help:
1. Stop arguing with reality. People with NPD often distort facts to preserve their self-image. Trying to prove your version of events can leave you frustrated and drained. Instead of debating every detail, focus on what’s true for you: your boundaries, feelings, and choices.
2. Set limits early and consistently. Boundaries aren’t punishments; they’re forms of self-respect. If he’s responding to you with hostility, try saying the following: “I won’t be talked to in that way. If you have something you’d like to tell me, I’m happy to listen, but I won’t tolerate being criticized or demeaned by you or anyone else.” If you find yourself close to the edge of divorce, tell him before it’s too late. His self-centeredness may blind him to the possibility of losing you. You can say, “If this doesn’t change, I’m not sure I can stay married to you.” Narcissistic partners may test limits repeatedly, so consistency matters more than explanation. Calm, brief, and predictable responses are more effective than emotional appeals.
3. Don’t take the bait. Narcissistic partners often escalate conflict to reassert dominance or control. When you stay centered and refuse to match their reactivity, you deprive the dynamic of its usual fuel. This isn’t submission — it’s strategy. Use the technique of “gray rocking.” If he begins provoking you with criticism or baiting you into an argument, try responding in a neutral, minimally reactive way, such as: “I understand that you’re upset.” No counteraccusations, defending, or emotional escalation. You keep your tone flat and your answers brief, and you avoid being pulled into the cycle. The goal isn’t to be cold; it’s to not reward the behavior with the intensity or engagement it’s designed to elicit, which often helps de-escalate the interaction.
4. Protect your self-esteem. Over time, living with a narcissistic partner can make you question your value. Remind yourself that their inability to empathize isn’t proof that you’re unworthy — it’s evidence of their disorder. Surround yourself with people who mirror your strengths and kindness, not your partner’s distortions.
5. Plan for safety — emotional and physical. If manipulation turns to threats, intimidation, or physical aggression, take it seriously. Reach out to trusted friends, a therapist, or a domestic violence hotline. Protecting yourself isn’t betrayal; it’s survival.
You didn’t cause your husband’s behavior, nor can you cure it — but you can respond with clarity and care. Whether the problem is narcissism, depression, or something else, healthy relationships require mutual accountability, empathy, and respect. If he’s willing to work on those qualities, change is possible. If not, your task isn’t to fix him — it’s to protect your own stability and make choices that restore safety and dignity. Sometimes the healthiest outcome is renewed and deepened understanding; other times, it’s learning to let go without bitterness. Either way, your safety and sanity are nonnegotiable.
Joshua Coleman, PhD, is a clinical psychologist in the Bay Area, keynote speaker and senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families. His newest book is “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.” His Substack is Family Troubles.
